Brains Over Beauty: Jane Austen reviews Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

A newly revived Jane Austen, author of Pride and Prejudice and Emma, writes to us with her opinion on Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Seth Grahame-Smith.

Mr Grahame-Smith’s novel is a clever, true to life adaptation of my tale, depoliticised and distilled to the true Regency era. This riveting novel accurately portrays my experience in 1812, including bare fisted fights with love interests and running from zombies. Indeed, my original publisher insisted that I remove these incidents from the novel because,‘it would decrease moral during the Napoleonic wars.’ It was all very political. I am lucky to be brought back to life in a time that fully acknowledges the zombie apocalypse that devoured so many good English souls.

I do not mind that Mr Grahame-Smith has used so many of my own words, as I find that his writing generally enhances the reading experience.The descriptions of Darcy are particularly appealing, as his unquestionable masculinity when killing zombies fully realizes the partial image I was forced to create in my own work.

Mr Collins and Charlotte’s stories are particularly heartrending to me, as they relate so closely to events in my own life. In the novel, Charlotte is unfortunately bitten by a rouge unmentionable and slowly becomes a zombie. Stricken with grief at her transformation, her horrible husband Mr Collins kills himself. My own sister Cassandra suffered a similar fate after she was bitten by a zombie, although she was saved by the medical cure just in time to make a full recovery. Her unfortunate fiancé was not saved, however, after he went to the West Indies and was bitten by a werewolf there. Werewolfism is widely accepted now, but at the time it was not and he died in mysterious circumstances in the Caribbean. Cassandra was understandably heartbroken and my father never recovered from the incident.

Mr Grahame-Smith’s descriptions of Elizabeth are also very pleasing, as she reminds me even more of my days as a zombie slayer. Every young woman of good breeding was taught to fight zombies in my day (as the novel points out) and Elizabeth’s mastery of the Chinese techniques is particularly accurate. As a Clergyman’s daughter, Cassandra and I were not able to afford the traditional training, so we learned from books ourselves.

This book also gives readers a very good guide on how to kill zombies, as Darcy and Elizabeth do throughout the text. The process of decapitation and burning of bodies is brought to light, as well as the proper way to peruse a graveyard by plunging a dagger into the ground with every step to deter zombie attacks from below. It looked ridiculous, but being foolish is better than being (un)dead.

Finally, I must admit that I found it very satisfying when Darcy broke both of Wickham’s legs for absconding with Lydia. I have to admit that was entirely Mr Grahame-Smith’s idea, although I do wish I had thought of it myself.

Although I am a bit envious of Mr Grahame-Smith’s circumstances, his book is a good read for anyone who wants to know what life was truly like in the Regency era. However, I do recommend one reads the original first. One has to look out for one's royalty payments, after all.

RATING:

*****

Editing and general advice by Moorea Corrigan.

Fake News: The Latest Stupidly Transmitted Disease

A disease is sweeping across the Milky Way in Universe 57. Symptoms are characterised by bouffant hair and an over-sensitive outlook. Some victims report a rash and patches of orange that spread indiscriminately over the skin. Extremities shrink, and victims are often plainly distressed by this, waving their tiny hands with often irritating enthusiasm. Doctors are calling the illness ‘Fake News’ and while the effects of it seem like a source of comedy, it poses a serious threat to the System community.

Fake News causes a dangerous conviction in a shared delusion. Victims are absolutely certain that someone else is the cause of all their problems despite obvious evidence otherwise. Other victims have reported an increase in intellect, however, with confidence that Fake News keeps them more informed than the rest of the galactic populace. Some even say that Fake News even proves they are perhaps more intelligent than the rest of the community. Here on the Space Rock we believe that this could just be another form of the Fake News delusion.

When did Fake News start? No one is sure of the exact date that fake news first spawned, but a popular theory claims it all begin sometime in November 2016. What exactly is Fake News? We’ve been told that the symptoms of Fake News are caused by a parasite that aggressively reproduces and is indiscriminate in its victims, although curiously divisive in its symptoms, often separating large groups of people from each other.This does not seem to diminish its spread. Research shows that as the victims of the disease are overpowered by new and numerous prejudices, they become very vocal about their opinions. This passionate confidence in their new beliefs allows them to overcome these divides, if only to yell about them in the faces of those they now discriminate. This only causes the parasite to spread further through the galaxy. Where did Fake News come from? Sources tell us that Fake News came from nowhere. “Don’t ask me, I don’t know, I’m perfectly healthy, the picture of health, no one is healthier. It was probably started by those-” We were not able to find any more information as the Spitter post was deleted before we could read any further. So who is at risk of Fake News? The answer is frightening: anyone can become infected. All it takes is exposure to other sentient beings and the parasite is liable to take root. Theoretically, it is spread through something doctors are calling ‘hot air’. In other words, when your neighbour accidentally spits on you mid-rant about the ‘foreigners’ that moved in down the road, the parasite can be transferred from them to you in those little specks of saliva that landed on your face. Scientists specialising in system parasites have under taken extensive research to find out if the disease is transferred in other ways as well but we at the Space Rock are suspicious as to the motives of some of these “doctors”. With Fake News on the rise, how can we trust anything anyone says? What is the future of Universe 57? Experts say that there isn’t much the inhabitants of other universes can do for 57. The best advice we have for you readers is to steer well clear, as so many overblown egos can only mean disaster. Many System officials are calling for a quarantine, in the hopes that Fake News does not become a Systemwide catastrophe. What can we do about Fake News? We prescribe a healthy dose of skepticism. Don’t blindly believe anything you read, see or hear. Don’t even trust yourself: who’s to say that your opinions are yours and not a symptom of Fake News? This is the only way to fight the characteristic delusion of Fake News. On the Space Rock we’ve opted for full-blown paranoia, and while we don’t necessarily recommend going as far as we have, we are at least safe from being total assholes.

Rise of the New Gods

Praise be Huluba.

A new religion is sweeping deep space. People wake from their beds and aliens hatch from their eggs with the eternal knowledge of a new god called Huluba. This deity takes the form of different animals throughout the System and then works its will through them. Huluba has been said to have seventeen overlapping voices and, similar to the Space Rock, types only in capital letters. As more and more citizens fall prey to this plague of faith they can be seen wandering the streets, their eyes hungry and their teeth gnashing. Followers of this religion are prone to sudden angry fits; scowling at people who bump into them on the street, starting fights with shop keepers, and refusing to do their laundry.They adopt new routines such as wearing flashlights as earrings and exclusively eating broccoli. It has been reported that on the planet Gandritin in Universe 5 that over 10,000 of their citizens have converted this month alone and that their broccoli is in dangerously low supply. No one knows where this religion came from. Many scholars presume that it originated from a trading ship in the Aquanties Belt 667, where strange religions, cults, and beliefs spring up often due to the noxious gas that permeates most of the system.This gas causes hallucinations, madness, and edentulism. Despite its somewhat nasty origins, the religion promotes charity and understanding towards fellow citizens of the System Federation. Some of the core beliefs of the religion are as follows: - There is one god, called Huluba or Lulu, for short. - Huluba accepts sacrifices -Those who do not believe are infidels, but they are cool enough so don’t bother them. - Heaven is a Chuck E. Cheese.

- Male practitioners must exclusively wear ADIDAS KOBE 2 sneakers. - Female practitioners must pull their ears when they sneeze. - All practitioners must respect animals— they must listen and obey mice, cats, dogs, cows, pigs, ducks, and dolphins in particular. The only animal they need not listen to are flamingos, which are Huluba’s least favourite animal and therefore disgusting. The religion has two sects. It is unclear why this is, as there are no differences between these sects besides their burning conviction how to spell their god’s name.

The Huluba Faction: This group spells the name with a U, despite the name being pronounced Hall-oo-ba because they believe that by writing its true name they are disrespecting their god. The Haluba Faction:

This group is wrong.

The religion has a very strong cult following of millions of citizens across the System, including a religious presence on our very own Space Rock. Laura is of the Haluba faction, which is clearly inferior, while Moorea, the wiser of the two, is of the Huluba faction. The Space Rock declines to comment, stating that it is the only thing in the universe worth worshipping. Tragically, there is no broccoli on the Space Rock, so we’ve had to content ourselves with our normal mush prepared with a few flakes of dried seaweed fish food. We will update readers as the situation develops.