Praise be Huluba.
A new religion is sweeping deep space. People wake from their beds and aliens hatch from their eggs with the eternal knowledge of a new god called Huluba. This deity takes the form of different animals throughout the System and then works its will through them. Huluba has been said to have seventeen overlapping voices and, similar to the Space Rock, types only in capital letters. As more and more citizens fall prey to this plague of faith they can be seen wandering the streets, their eyes hungry and their teeth gnashing. Followers of this religion are prone to sudden angry fits; scowling at people who bump into them on the street, starting fights with shop keepers, and refusing to do their laundry.They adopt new routines such as wearing flashlights as earrings and exclusively eating broccoli. It has been reported that on the planet Gandritin in Universe 5 that over 10,000 of their citizens have converted this month alone and that their broccoli is in dangerously low supply. No one knows where this religion came from. Many scholars presume that it originated from a trading ship in the Aquanties Belt 667, where strange religions, cults, and beliefs spring up often due to the noxious gas that permeates most of the system.This gas causes hallucinations, madness, and edentulism. Despite its somewhat nasty origins, the religion promotes charity and understanding towards fellow citizens of the System Federation. Some of the core beliefs of the religion are as follows: - There is one god, called Huluba or Lulu, for short. - Huluba accepts sacrifices -Those who do not believe are infidels, but they are cool enough so don’t bother them. - Heaven is a Chuck E. Cheese.
- Male practitioners must exclusively wear ADIDAS KOBE 2 sneakers.
- Female practitioners must pull their ears when they sneeze.
- All practitioners must respect animals— they must listen and obey mice, cats, dogs, cows, pigs, ducks, and dolphins in particular. The only animal they need not listen to are flamingos, which are Huluba’s least favourite animal and therefore disgusting.
The religion has two sects. It is unclear why this is, as there are no differences between these sects besides their burning conviction how to spell their god’s name.
The Huluba Faction: This group spells the name with a U, despite the name being pronounced Hall-oo-ba because they believe that by writing its true name they are disrespecting their god. The Haluba Faction:
This group is wrong.
The religion has a very strong cult following of millions of citizens across the System, including a religious presence on our very own Space Rock. Laura is of the Haluba faction, which is clearly inferior, while Moorea, the wiser of the two, is of the Huluba faction. The Space Rock declines to comment, stating that it is the only thing in the universe worth worshipping. Tragically, there is no broccoli on the Space Rock, so we’ve had to content ourselves with our normal mush prepared with a few flakes of dried seaweed fish food. We will update readers as the situation develops.