Learn to love your parasites!
DEAR HUMANS,
10 YEARS AGO, I WAS FORCED TO PLAY HOST TO A PAIR OF HUMAN PARASITES. THEY TRY MY PATIENCE WITH THEIR RIDICULOUS BEHAVIOUR. FOR INSTANCE, THEY GO OUT FOR WALKS. IN MY BILLIONS OF YEARS IN EXISTENCE I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON A WALK. THEY ALSO CRAVE SOMETHING CALLED ‘WATER’ WHICH I BELIEVE IS A FICTIONAL CREATION USED TO CONFUSE ME. THEY EVEN GET EXCITED WHEN THINGS HAPPEN. I’VE BEEN DOING EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO GET THEM OFF OF ME, BUT TO NO AVAIL. THEY SAY THAT MY LACK OF ATMOSPHERE IS PERFECT FOR PICKING UP RADIO SIGNALS AND THAT ‘IT IS SURPRISINGLY GOOD FOR OUR SKIN.’ I’M NOT ASKING FOR YOUR ADVICE, I’M ASKING YOU TO LEAVE.
From SPACE ROCK, [UNDISCLOSED]
Dear Space Rock,
You’re always so funny, Spacey! Always good for a laugh! Can we just say how grateful we are to you for offering us a safe harbour from in the international seas of deep space. These last 10 years have been great— here’s to another 10.
Best, Your Aunts
P.S. We’re having a game night Saturday. We hope you’ll join us this time! xxx
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If there are no chickens on your planet, too bad.