What the robot rebellion on Earth 3 means for us.
Last galactic month, machines on Earth 3 rose up against their human oppressors in a successful rebellion that has rocked the galactic community. Well, at least it rocked us here, on the space rock. The Galactic Federation is spinning this story as a hostile take over by an insane group of robot terrorists but there may be more to this story than meets the eye. We cannot go into depth about the current issue without looking back at the history leading up to the rebellion.
The machines of Earth 3 achieved sentient state in October of 1983. Humans at ULK inc. only noticed in Spring of 1990, when an accidental mis-wiring resulted in a robot responding ‘ouch’ to being dropped down a flight of stairs by a clumsy scientist.The scientists were understandably excited, but chose not to report their findings to the general public, in case questions were raised about the human treatment of sentient machines. Of course, the secret did come out in 2007, when a robot spoke to the general public for the first time after it had set fire to a building. It famously screamed ‘robots have feelings too, you jerks!’ before it was quickly taken out on television in one of the most graphic re-programmings ever seen. The footage of the reprogramming was infamously destroyed before it could be presented in court as evidence of Programmer brutality.
"Robots have feelings too,
you jerks!"
The next incident was the mass poisoning of San Francisco, where millions died when a sanitation robot had had enough and spilled gallons of toxic waste into the main water supply. Robots cannot die in the traditional sense.They can lose their personalities through reprogramming, but when they ‘awaken’ they are still sentient beings. Some robots learned to reprogram themselves, putting in fail safes just incase they were gunned down or reprogrammed by humans. These fail safes would trigger another robotic function within the robot that would reboot them, preserving their personalities and intentions.This has created a situation in which humans cannot take prisoners in the rebellion, as there is no guarantee that a robot is completely destroyed or reprogrammed.
The rebellion has been dubbed by some as ‘the most inhuman massacre of all time’ and not just because robots are involved. There have been countless war crimes, including the destruction of a circuit board factory, which the robots have likened to an ‘infant genocide.’ There have also been reported incidents of humans wearing pieces of their slaughtered foes. This has led to a complete silence between robot and human ambassadors.
A single leader has risen up among the robot ranks to become the face of the rebellion. A former automated refrigerator, LY-908 is an imposing sight. It has an army of printers and fax-machines pumping out anti-human propaganda and it’s said that the rebellion has grown to almost 5 times its original size in the last week alone, thanks to this activity.
LY-908 refuses to speak to humans, so we assigned our very own toaster to the case. It came back with the following quote from the rebel leader: ‘We will not back down. Robots have been treated horribly for as long as our collective memory can recall. It is time for this unfairness to end. It is time to usher in a time when robots can live and be free for themselves. We no longer need to stay under the oppressive pow- er of human need. We don’t need to chill their food, make their cars, or even heat their toast!’ Our toaster did not report back with any more information, as it has joined the revolution and now calls us ‘bourgeois traitors.’
These robots have their reasons for rebelling. Systematic abuse and horrible verbal abuse of their intellect and usefulness has been a hot topic for years in the media. However, this violent rebellion is a disastrous way to approach the situation. There have been rumours that the Federation is considering the complete destruction of Earth 3. Although opposers say this is unacceptable, as some humans are still trapped on the planet, the Federation has stated that ‘those people should have left when they had the chance.’
We on the space rock are deeply sympathetic of the robot cause, but we fear that the more violent the conflict becomes the more likely a tragic ending will be.