Ask Your Aunts

Learn to love your parasites!

DEAR HUMANS,

10 YEARS AGO, I WAS FORCED TO PLAY HOST TO A PAIR OF HUMAN PARASITES. THEY TRY MY PATIENCE WITH THEIR RIDICULOUS BEHAVIOUR. FOR INSTANCE, THEY GO OUT FOR WALKS. IN MY BILLIONS OF YEARS IN EXISTENCE I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON A WALK. THEY ALSO CRAVE SOMETHING CALLED ‘WATER’ WHICH I BELIEVE IS A FICTIONAL CREATION USED TO CONFUSE ME. THEY EVEN GET EXCITED WHEN THINGS HAPPEN. I’VE BEEN DOING EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO GET THEM OFF OF ME, BUT TO NO AVAIL. THEY SAY THAT MY LACK OF ATMOSPHERE IS PERFECT FOR PICKING UP RADIO SIGNALS AND THAT ‘IT IS SURPRISINGLY GOOD FOR OUR SKIN.’ I’M NOT ASKING FOR YOUR ADVICE, I’M ASKING YOU TO LEAVE.

From SPACE ROCK, [UNDISCLOSED]

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Dear Space Rock,

You’re always so funny, Spacey! Always good for a laugh! Can we just say how grateful we are to you for offering us a safe harbour from in the international seas of deep space. These last 10 years have been great— here’s to another 10.

Best, Your Aunts

P.S. We’re having a game night Saturday. We hope you’ll join us this time! xxx

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Need advice? Feed your letter to a chicken. Make a nice roast dinner. If you don’t have a sacrificial pyre, an oven will do. If you or any of your party choke, we’ve received your message...

If there are no chickens on your planet, too bad.

How To: Put on a T-shirt

1. Select shirt. Preferably something made of a nice breathable material but you do you.

2. Unfold shirt. This is important, as unfolded shirts will fit better over the human body.

3. Refold shirt then unfold it better. We know that you didn’t do it properly, so try again.

4. Open the biggest hole in the shirt. It is what we imagine to be the bottom, below the two arm flaps.

5. Note the giant squid nestled in the right sleeve. There is one in every shirt, so if it isn’t there, keep looking.

6. Fight the giant squid nestled in the right sleeve. Be careful, squids are incredibly intelligent and are probably smarter than you, if you need this article.

7.Throw the squid into the abyss. Any abyss will do.

8. Pull your arms through the arm holes and your head through the second largest hole.

9. No, the other one.

10. There you go.

11. Congratulations! You’ve put on a shirt!

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Need Help? We’ve all been there. Whether you want to know how to infiltrate your planetary government or how to make the perfect cheese sandwich, just sob into your pillow and we’ll write you a How To guide in the next post!

How To: Evade the Authorities

1. Commit some kind of galactic crime. Fraud, illegal transportation of explosives, and/or robbery all qualify.

2. Ignore your court summons.

3. Steal a freighter, preferably one with some blast cannons and a vibrant aquatic fish tank.

4. Destroy the commissioner’s favourite ice cream parlour as you fly through the System Capital while dodging fire from the police.

5. Accidentally burn down the monument to System-wide peace that is shaped like a pineapple. Didn’t mean to do it but sorry, not sorry.

6. Escape into the hyperspace with the police on your tail.

7. Use your blast cannons to ‘disable’ the police cruisers.

8. Stop for quick coffee at Bill’s Diner, the best joint in all the System!

9. Hit a stray meteor and crash land into the face of the Space Rock.

10. Use the shell of the stolen craft to make a home on the Space Rock that is undetectable to the authorities.

11. Congratulations! You’ve evaded the System Authorities (for now).

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Need Help? We’ve all been there. Whether you want to know how to infiltrate your planetary government or how to make the perfect cheese sandwich, just sob into your pillow and we’ll write you a How To guide in the next post!