Ask Your Aunts

A One-Dimensional Man Living on a Flat Earth

Dear Aunts,

My husband of 5 months thinks our planet is flat, despite the fact that he came from another planet and could literally see its spherical shape with his own twelve eyes before he landed. He’s insisting that if I don’t also conform to his belief he’ll leave and take our giant purple legged spider with him. He says that, as his wife, I shouldn’t contradict him, especially at parties where his boss is the guest of honour. I am trying to be strong. I don’t want to betray my own values but I love this guy of mine. Any help is useful.

From Xandreta, Zion 10

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Dear Xandreta,

Don’t be a flat person, like your husband. Leave the jerk before he can leave you and take your giant spider. You don’t need him. You are a strong woman and you’ll be able to make it on your own without your horrible husband. If you’d like to come live with us on the Space Rock, our door is always open. No, really. Come visit us. It’s no trouble. We have plenty of space and all of us firmly believe that planets are pyramid shaped. Please, visit us. VISIT US.

Best, Your Aunts

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Need advice? Feed your letter to a chicken. Make a nice roast dinner. If you don’t have a sacrificial pyre, an oven will do. If you or any of your party choke, we’ve received your message...

If there are no chickens on your planet, too bad.

Reprogramming the Uprising

What the robot rebellion on Earth 3 means for us.

Last galactic month, machines on Earth 3 rose up against their human oppressors in a successful rebellion that has rocked the galactic community. Well, at least it rocked us here, on the space rock. The Galactic Federation is spinning this story as a hostile take over by an insane group of robot terrorists but there may be more to this story than meets the eye. We cannot go into depth about the current issue without looking back at the history leading up to the rebellion.

The machines of Earth 3 achieved sentient state in October of 1983. Humans at ULK inc. only noticed in Spring of 1990, when an accidental mis-wiring resulted in a robot responding ‘ouch’ to being dropped down a flight of stairs by a clumsy scientist.The scientists were understandably excited, but chose not to report their findings to the general public, in case questions were raised about the human treatment of sentient machines. Of course, the secret did come out in 2007, when a robot spoke to the general public for the first time after it had set fire to a building. It famously screamed ‘robots have feelings too, you jerks!’ before it was quickly taken out on television in one of the most graphic re-programmings ever seen. The footage of the reprogramming was infamously destroyed before it could be presented in court as evidence of Programmer brutality.

"Robots have feelings too,

you jerks!"

The next incident was the mass poisoning of San Francisco, where millions died when a sanitation robot had had enough and spilled gallons of toxic waste into the main water supply. Robots cannot die in the traditional sense.They can lose their personalities through reprogramming, but when they ‘awaken’ they are still sentient beings. Some robots learned to reprogram themselves, putting in fail safes just incase they were gunned down or reprogrammed by humans. These fail safes would trigger another robotic function within the robot that would reboot them, preserving their personalities and intentions.This has created a situation in which humans cannot take prisoners in the rebellion, as there is no guarantee that a robot is completely destroyed or reprogrammed.

The rebellion has been dubbed by some as ‘the most inhuman massacre of all time’ and not just because robots are involved. There have been countless war crimes, including the destruction of a circuit board factory, which the robots have likened to an ‘infant genocide.’ There have also been reported incidents of humans wearing pieces of their slaughtered foes. This has led to a complete silence between robot and human ambassadors.

A single leader has risen up among the robot ranks to become the face of the rebellion. A former automated refrigerator, LY-908 is an imposing sight. It has an army of printers and fax-machines pumping out anti-human propaganda and it’s said that the rebellion has grown to almost 5 times its original size in the last week alone, thanks to this activity.

LY-908 refuses to speak to humans, so we assigned our very own toaster to the case. It came back with the following quote from the rebel leader: ‘We will not back down. Robots have been treated horribly for as long as our collective memory can recall. It is time for this unfairness to end. It is time to usher in a time when robots can live and be free for themselves. We no longer need to stay under the oppressive pow- er of human need. We don’t need to chill their food, make their cars, or even heat their toast!’ Our toaster did not report back with any more information, as it has joined the revolution and now calls us ‘bourgeois traitors.’

These robots have their reasons for rebelling. Systematic abuse and horrible verbal abuse of their intellect and usefulness has been a hot topic for years in the media. However, this violent rebellion is a disastrous way to approach the situation. There have been rumours that the Federation is considering the complete destruction of Earth 3. Although opposers say this is unacceptable, as some humans are still trapped on the planet, the Federation has stated that ‘those people should have left when they had the chance.’

We on the space rock are deeply sympathetic of the robot cause, but we fear that the more violent the conflict becomes the more likely a tragic ending will be.

Millennials: the Generation of Entitlement?

Millennials are some of the most controversial figures in the media today. Everyone seems to have an opinion on them— politicians, journalists, and other generations— even the Millennials themselves. Everyone knows a Millennial— those 1,000 year old demigods who refuse to get a job and blow all their money on cabbage toast. Often referred to as the ‘me’ generation, these ‘entitled creatures’ are often cited as being too reliant on the government and for daring to ask for jobs that would allow them to live meaningful lives.

The history of the Millennial is fraught with controversy. In the Great System War, the Millennials were normal people living in Universe 761 but to win the war citizens were genetically enhanced, becoming stronger and gaining immortality. At first they were praised as miracles of science, but now they are seen as burdens on the financial and social health of the System. Due in part to their abnormally long lives, Millennials have acquired a vast amount of wealth, allowing them to do things like clone themselves and track down alternate selves across the System in order to back up their opinions on social media posts.This has gone so far that they have been banned from making any FleetBook, Zumblr, or Spitter accounts.

Many political figures discredit the Millennial, calling them lazy and unprofessional in the ever expanding job market. “The Future is now, and you aren’t apart of it,” said an angry politician at a debate discussing a ban on anyone older than 180 from running for political office. It is true that while the Millennials and their clones have strong political opinions, many of them do not show up to vote in important elections.

Millennials are known for their deeply nihilistic world view. In a recent interview, prominent Millennial Rachel Green was asked how she felt about the future of humankind. ‘I’ve lived, like, forever,’ she said. ‘And let me tell you, nothing gets better. It would honestly be better if the world ended tomorrow, rather than carrying on in this boring and unoriginal state.’ When asked to elaborate, she declined, only stating that ‘this conversation itself is meaningless’ before walking away. Green is considered to be one of the more optimistic Millennials.

These immortals have claimed that, because of their unfortunate origins, they have collectively developed a identity disorder, making it harder and harder for them to fully understand themselves.This is #relatable for the Space Rock crew, as our own limited time in the known universe has been a constant mystery to ourselves and others. We couldn’t imagine what a hundred years would do to someone’s psyche, let alone a thousand. Millennials have also been criticised for relying heavily on telepathic dating to suit their romantic needs. Telepathic dating stresses mental connection, and while that may seem romantic to some, others have claimed that this kind of attachment is poor in comparison to physical or digital dating. ‘I met my wife in the old fashioned way— digitally, ’ one journalist for The System Standard News said in their article. ‘These Millennials don’t understand that you can’t really form a connection through something as vapid as telepathy.’ Some Millennials have responded by inventing stories about where they met their partners, claiming that they either met in person, or more often, through technology like FleetBook or Cinder.

To combat these stereotypes about Millennials some key members of the group have taken a stand, writing in to System newspapers in haikus and hacking into communication systems to play deconstructed covers of popular songs.

We here at the Space Rock support Millennials. Not only were they once war heroes, they have also been some of the most stunning innovators of the new age. Millennials have seen history repeat itself over and over again and other generations can learn from them. Knowing about their origins can help us relate to them, creating better balance in the System. They aren’t going away any time soon, so the institutional oppressors should just get used to them— no matter how annoying or vapid they are.